Growing your own veg

Clean slate of mind

2011-01-12T13:09:00.005Z

Every year I like to start with a clean slate. Now everything is behind me.

I try to forget the disasters, the near misses, the disappointments, the might have beans (see what I did there).

I smile fondly at the lucky avoidance, the might have done betters, the dumb luck, the don't even think about its and the this is so wrongs.

I remember warmly and devotedly the planned and cultivated successes and the long term projects finally starting to bare fruit.

I take only experience and leave only memories. It was an interesting year.

I know that went on a bit, but sometimes I'm not always talking about vegetables here.

2011 Kicks off. I feel dumpy and saggy and several yards off the pace after an autumn confined to quarters by the weather. Luckily for me, so does everyone else.

The business of starting over

2011-01-12T12:30:00.011Z

First, a quick apology. For those of you who care and check in regularly I've been absent for much of the season. This is largely due to PC and unreliable camera issues.

A quick re cap for history's sake. When we last met, our hero was....

By the time I was back on track in October there was very little left to do on the plot and all the fun stuff had finished so I bailed on the remainder of the year. Which as it turns out was just in time really, as the frosts and snows hit the UK in mid November. We had a good four weeks where you could not get a fork in the ground and then in Early December the snows came. We had about a foot of snow all over the plot and it was out of bounds pretty much until new year.

Caught up? Good.

There is still a lot to be done. Having cleaned out the shed last week, this week I have to disinfect all the pots from last year, that will be the first job. Then I'll empty the greenhouse and hose that down with Jeyes Fluid. It's all very dull, boring, cold wet, stinky but highly necessary work.

I know. It will get better.

(pics to follow)

Chicken top trumps would never work

2010-09-03T11:37:00.004Z

Visitor: What are their names?
Me: Sorry?
Visitor: The Chickens. What are their names?
Me: Chicken. They're all called chicken.
Visitor: Really?
Me: Oh apart from the cockerels. They're called lunch.
Visitor: What?
Me: Lunch.
Visitor: You’ve called all the boy chickens “lunch”. Isn't that confusing?
Me: Not for the chickens. If they did ever say something I imagine it would be in chicken. Not English.

Visitor: So you're planning on eating them?
Me: Not all of them. Just the cockerels.
Visitor: Why only the cockerels?
Me: They don't lay eggs.
Visitor: So if they laid eggs they'd be safe?
Me: No if they laid eggs they’d be hens. The hens are for eggs we don't want to eat them yet.

Visitor: Can I name the chickens?
Me: Knock yourself out.
Visitor: How will everyone know the names I've given to each bird?
Me: Have you thought about making badges?
Visitor: Where would I pin them on?
Me: What about collars or little medallions on a tape?
Visitor: I could put up a notice with a picture of each chicken and his or her name and their characteristics.
Me: Huh. I think you've just invented chicken top trumps.

That Pinter-esque exchange is why we don't have names for our chickens.

Hollyhocks? Not on my watch

2010-08-20T11:45:00.004Z

So it's been a funny old growing season. With both parents fully retired I've been somewhat relegated to weekend duties. Most of my time is spent weeding, making coffee and running the group of Community Payback workers that help us out with general site works on Sundays. Occasionally I get to play with the chickens.

Despite my initial misgivings about flowers on the plot we seem to have ended up with a few garden areas and I'm not totally adverse to them. Some of the flowers Coryn has chosen are nice enough. The Spurs fan in me hates the colour red but she's managed to get some deep pinks in and I'm too soft to dig them up but I guarantee that they will not make selection next year.

There is also the Hollyhock. If you have never come across this plant before your life is better for it.

This ghastly plant grows six feet tall and has big blousy pink blooms that flower directly off the plant stems. It's horrible chintzy cottage garden fuzz and I have begun a hate campaign against it.

I'm going KGB on this monstrosity. It's an affront to all things smart and slinky.
My plan is old school cold war tactics. Take down and misdirection. First inject it with undiluted Jeyes Fluid in the Autumn and deny all knowledge of a Hollyhock ever being in the plot.

"You are mistaken Mrs Coryn." "We have no records of a Hollyhock with growing privileges in that area."

Later I'll admit to a humour of Hollyhocks in the general area but I'll blame a mysterious, well meaning but misguided member using weed killer on the nearby path for killing the plant.
I know I’m an Evil genius. I am also available for children’s parties.

just about back in the game

2010-07-08T11:53:00.008Z

This is really just a sign post to all of the other posts that are about to be added.

Problems with PCs and cameras have recently abounded. Throw in a couple of birthdays, a world cup game or two and some chickens and all of a sudden I've got a bit of a backlog.

Well the Camera is back in action.

The PC died and it will not be mourned. Hateful pile of leaky transisters. Fortunately I back up pics and docs ( but not Cds) so I didn't lose anything.

I've managed to knock off a couple of posts for May, June and July at work and these will go up as I can add some pictures.

Yes I said chickens.

Don't forget to scroll down to pick up the missing blogs soon.

Chicken update

2010-07-05T11:59:00.007Z

So the chicken coup is finally constructed. A few glitches along the way like the door getting in the way of the roof but I'm happy that it is not completely horrible and it should be safe from the local fox and rat community.

(pics to follow)

We've got a few cockerels in the coup at the moment. They are still quite young so it's difficult to be sure. A "girls only" ruling in the Allotment Society bylaws means all those noisy and tasty little fellows will be destined for the pot. The remaining chickens will be left to get on with it. We recon we might get a few more hens in a few weeks time to bolster the numbers. The egg laying will begin in earnest in August from the girls. We hope.

(pics to follow)

Pictures of the coup. (pics to follow)

More pics of our chickens (pics to follow)

You know what? They are really, really dumb. Honestly It takes a special kind of stupid to be a chicken in this coup.

In addition they are beginning to show some very human character traits. They are mean and spiteful and self-serving. They will step over their own Grandmother to get what they want and squawk and fuss if they think they are missing out on anything. Yet for all these character traits I don't hate them. (You reading this Bobbi?)

In time, I think that I may grow completely ambivalent towards these Chickens.

Aaww. They're great. Stupid, but great.

Asparagus update

2010-06-25T11:01:00.007Z

So here we have the Asparagus fern in all its glory. Those pesky north westerly winds have provided a jaunty angle to my ferns at present.

(pics to follow)
I'm updating now so that you can see how huge these things get.

(pics to follow)

Hand weeding continues a pace. It's boring and difficult but at least it takes a really long time. Last weekend I was in the middle of those ferns it started to drizzle. I didn't realise it was raining until after I'd come back out!

(pics to follow)

It's about time to mulch and feed the plants. By the time they get to this size they have taken a lot of food from the soil. Now is the time to replace that in regular increments throughout the summer. It also keeps weeds down.

(pics to follow)

Just weeding, feeding and waiting now.

(pics to follow)

More mulch required later in the autumn to keep the worst of the cold weather off them.
(pics to follow)

Been 'aving some work done.

2010-05-17T12:00:00.006Z

We spend a lot of time at the allotment.

I spend every weekend of the spring and autumn at the plot and most weekend s of the summer too. With Coryn & Harry fully retired now there seems to be a lot more going on at the plot and a lot more tidying and organising.

No where is this more obvious than at the bottom of the plot.

(pics to follow)

It stared with the shed. The ground was so uneven and dangerous after we finally rescued the shed from its hundred year slumber...

(pics to follow)
that we had to put down slabs to make it safe. Before you know it the levelled ground in front of the shed was some two feet lower than the rest of the plot, so we bricked it in and it's kind of a sunken patio. It's nice.

(pics to follow)

Then at about the same time the greenhouse came along. Concrete footings and a pathway down one side. All very civilised.

(pics to follow)

Then last year came the herb patch which on the other side of the green house. That has now got a proper pathway too. It's meant to be groovy. (pics to follow)

It's a long story how this happened. Looks nice though right? Sometimes, just sometimes, you have a bricky on your hands and you have to keep him busy for an afternoon. (pics to follow)

Finally Harry dropped down some paving outside the greenhouse. Very tidy. (pics to follow)

So this is where most of the work for both plots goes on so it is sensible to have all this safe clean working area to deal with. It's great. (pics to follow)

But how would you react if I told you that now about one sixth of my plot is now concrete.

The prenials plot

2010-05-17T11:47:00.006Z

I am very lucky to have one and one half allotment plots.

(Pics to follow)

The half plot contains our fruit trees, the asparagus and the bean frames (as I won't have runner beans and french beans on my plot).

(Pics to follow)

From time to time we grow other catch crops down there too. This yuear we have squirreled away some cauliflowers down on the plot. With a few exceptions the plot runs itself for 30 weeks of the year. Everyting happens at the same time and the same place every year.

(Pics to follow)

No crop rotation and nothing too exotic just berries,
(Pics to follow)

fruit
(Pics to follow)

aspargus
(Pics to follow)

and beans.
(Pics to follow)

With occasional line of something that we could not squeeze on the larger plot.
(Pics to follow)

It's a happy little place. I like it down here.

Slicing and dicing with death.

2010-05-03T21:40:00.005Z

First up, the first picture of the Engine Room.

Tricked out and full to bursting just like everyone else's this time of year. A snap shot from late April of the happiest place I know that does not have a wine rack.

Among the many wonderful things growing on my plot this time of year I was most pleased to this year's spring crop of pretty, colourful, and let's face it, deadly fungus.

After the last couple of years of wood chip delivery to the site for our pathways we've been getting some pretty weird and wonderful fungus growing on our highways and byways on the plot. Most of the fungus arrives in great eruptions during October after the first cold snap.

So here are the Spring 2010 runners and riders.

This looks flat out scary.
I'm going to call it "The Purple Nasty". It's also red so it will just have to go.

This one looks like it would sooner kill me as look at me.
Currently lurking with a few of his buddies under my raspberry bushes. Lets call this "The Yellow Peril".

This little guy is lurking on my path by the herb patch.
Just from the smell of this one I'll christen is "The Brown Trouser".

This one however looks like it could be quite, quite delicious.
...or because fungus is such a tricksy and deviuos quarry, it could easily be quite, quite killy.

For argument sake let's call it a Morel. A non edible, now covered by a cage, dangerous, and potentially deadly Morel.

So this little lot could make one of my already pretty spectacular omelets in to a dream breakfast...

or they could put me and a chosen breakfast companion in hospital for ten days.

As reckless and easlily led as I can be, even I know not to muck about then it comes to fungus. I'd better get an expert in for these bad boys. I bet my expert takes them all away for further investigation! I would.

Perhaps we could make a field trip out of the expert's visit. I'll let you know how I get on.

Aspargus update

2010-04-21T12:34:00.007Z

At the beginning of the warmest, dries April I've known for some time the Asparagus started to emerge from under the winter mulch. I carefully cleared all the mulch away and look what I found.

So by late April as the warm dry weather continued most of my Asparagus is already past the eating point so I can stop sitting on my hands and enjoy the wonder of this strange but very delicious early cropping vegetable.

This is the Anniversary of the Asparagus being planted. They were cute little one year old roots when we put them in last year. This year we can take a few stems but what's the point? As Smoky said. "A taste of honey is worse than none at all".

Next year we'll be able to eat loads of this stuff and I'll be sure to post some nice inventive recipes.

This year I just get to water and feed and nurture my crop. It's tantalising.

This all started with a dead lavender plant

2010-04-21T12:05:00.017Z

The herb patch is now finished it's winter construction and the path is looking smashing. Some of the unsightly blue water barrels that have been lurking at the top of the patch will find a more suitable home where they can earn their keep.

One herb patch casualty of the winter has been the lavender. Sad, but Coryn sprang into action and bought a replacement. Top work Coryn!

The new lavender is outside of the main herb patch so I have more room for cooking herbs. Great.

However, together with the lavender came something else,

and another thing,

and something that she had at home,

this one was a 2for1 deal,

and one I've had this at home for years and it's never really taken off at home so I thought it might do better down here.

Don't let your guard down fellas. The first sign of weakness and you'll have yourselves a cottage garden just like mine. It's my own fault. I got a bit flouncy with the sunflower seeds. In stead of getting Army issue "FLOWERS"Sun, for the use of. I had to get Italian Whites and Dwarf Sprays. Slippery slope.

This is a slippery slope. Slippery slope is not a type of sunflower.

Flipping things should come with a warning. Caution: Sun flowers may turn you into a florist not a vegetable gardner! They are a gateway flower.

Sure I grow a few sunflowers. We keep them for the bees. It's no big deal I can handle it. Those? Oh they're Nestersions. Yes they are flowers but they're edible! They are lovely in salads. Very Sweet. Ah! No. That's a pansy. No you can't eat them. I just think they look pretty!

Now look where I am. Cut flowers up the Waszoo. Which is also rugby tour punishment. Oh, now I'm just over compensating.

My name is Rad and I grow flowers. It would appear.

Chicks Man

2010-04-13T12:10:00.009Z

We have some keen chicken fanciers in our Society. With their help and the kind donation of a quarter plot from on of the senior members we have a chicken coup.

Our shed is finished. Bits have been begged and acquired from all sources. It cost us about £45 each so far which between six of us is pretty good. Orange. huh! Seemed a bit odd when I first saw it. I quite like it now.

These are our chicks.

Not sure what variety the white one is, but those red heads are the Buff Orpington. We have 15 chickens in all. No boys allowed on the plot as the cockerels will drive the neighbours mental with all their noise.

Two are obviously roosters. However, if any more of these juveniles turn out to be boys, and it's so difficult to tell at this stage, its a piping hot stock pot for them just as the garlic coming into season. Great timing. Coq au Vin is a very rare treat.

I have stupid chickens. More pictures and tales of their monumental stupidity will follow.

'Erbs man!

2010-04-13T11:58:00.004Z

The bed is really taking off this year.

(pics to follow)
After my tentative but determined start the bed will be fuller and busier this year.

(pics to follow)

More Thyme, more Sage, more Chives and more Parsley. This is the stuff I use all the time.

(pics to follow)

The Lavender bit the icy bullet this year so that's coming out. Don't look.

(pics to follow)

The Tarragon survived the icy blasts from the East this winter much to my surprise and delight. I think I will propagate this one this year.

(pics to follow)

The Rosemary is looking quite chipper following its winter surgery.

(pics to follow)

Some of the space I will use for pots. I've got some coriander hardening off outside. That will stay on buckets as the slugs love this stuff.

(pics to follow)

The mint is one I bought for my pea soup I made for our come dine with me extravaganza. Yes we did a CDWM.

Anyway, The Mint I had was dying and I bought this one in Sainsbury’s and kept this one in the bucket over wintered in the green house. It survived and I hope that it will grow a little faster now that it's in its final position. You have to keep these bucket bound or the mint will just take over every where.

(pics to follow)

Sweet pea Jungle has been started off in route trainers so I'll have my summer fence in position in a couple of weeks.

(pics to follow)

Spring Fever

2010-04-13T11:31:00.008Z

It's getting hot in here.

Spring Fever: Noun: The overwhelming urge of all gardeners to plant everything they can on any available bit of land at the first sing of spring.

I love this time of the year!

In the greenhouse everything I touch turns green! Doesn't it feel brilliant?

Seed, pot, compost, water. Every one's a winner.

Everything has come up and I'm feeling good.

Salad panted on 1st March is now up and running

The Asparagus has landed. More on that fascinating occurrence later.

The potatoes are chitting and thanks to Harry the earlies (Swift Variety) are already planted and kicking on a pace. I expect broken ground any day now.

Look at my lovely tomato plants!

Sorrel.

Yep Sorrel. French, small, bitter and not well loved, It's the Nicolas Sarkozy of the salad world. I however, perhaps because of my vague French background, love the stuff.

If you get a chance, bung some in your salad mix. It's slower growing than most leaves, and whilst most herbs are very easy to cut sorrel is far more difficult.

It's a wewll known fact that .......... wait for it.

Sorrel seems to be the hardest herb.

Sorry.

Ha! Cower brief mortal! I am the master of some small perenial native UK fruiting plants

2010-03-21T12:01:00.008Z

I have tamed the wild beast. From this...

...to this.

Strawberries? Not this year. Semi-permeable membrane berries is what I have.

I started digging over the ground and digging up the strawberries last weekend.

I boxed them up. Strawberries can stay bare rooted like this for a couple of weeks this time of year.

Harry finished the job on Friday and prepared the bed and covered it with horticultural membrane. On Sunday we'll cut holes in the membrane and plant through the black carpet. A mulch for the surface keeps the covers on during the March winds and the plants spread out to hold the covers down later on.

I'm looking forward to a bumper crop of fruit all clean and tidy and very little weeding.

Nice.

Weedberries.

2010-03-21T11:46:00.009Z

The Strawberry patch ( Yes. I have a Strawberry patch) is becoming a pain.

The strawberries were great last year. We had plenty but a bit of a mix up in the replanting has caused a few problems. This tangled web of hands and knees weeding is the result. Believe it or not there are about 40 plants here. I can see six.

The strawberry bed is a fantastic idea but I made a hideous error that has continued to blight my strawberry progress. I forgot to "stale bed" the area that I wanted for the strawberries. So instead of waiting a couple of weeks to prep and tend a bed and methodically remove all weeds over the period of a couple of weeks before planting, I just put everything in the soil and watched helplessly as the weeds strangled my lovely berries.

A plot this size takes about two precious hours to weed. It's all hands and knees work with a small fork. You never get all the weeds and the bed is always rubbish. I tried mulching the bed. All that did was warm up the soil for a massive weed explosion. I had to remove the straw and the weeds. AAAAAARRRGGGHHHH!

This is the way I should grow strawberries. You get very neat and clean fruits, but you know what? You don't get that many berries with this method. A compromise is needed.

I'll think on.

Patience grasshopper.

2010-03-21T11:16:00.006Z

December.

January.

February.

March Hello little fellas!

Asparagus from seed. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with all this. I have 20 plants ready for harvesting next May.

I'll have to split it up and harden it off and then I can see me turning up to friends houses with this stuff all year. I'll create a rash of asparagus beds in Essex and the surrounding area. Well that's a happy plan.

It will be three years before you can eat this stuff but then you get Asparagus for two whole months for the next 20 years. Fair exchange is no robbery right?

Hubble Bubble Soil and Trouble

2010-03-21T10:46:00.005Z

Firstly due to the very strict European laws on what actually constitutes a fertilizer for domestic use I'm not sure how much trouble I can get in for even showing you this. So please keep in mind that this is a blog. It is in no way an instruction manual or "how to" post.

I know it's not pipe bombs but you'd be surprised what a lack of a sense of humour some government departments have when it comes to these things. Who knows what list I'm going to end up on for having Pipe Bomb twice in the same paragraph. Aaah! What the heck. Pipe Bomb. Three times is the charm. Right?

Anyway. You may remember that earlier in the year I got excited about planting some comfrey. This lot comes from a small cutting kindly provided by Aunty Val & Uncle Brian some time ago. The plant was reared in the herb patch for a year before being split up and planted around the darker corners of the plot. This year the comfrey has been growing nicely and is at a usable size.

That's the comfrey. Growing on the right and along the back of the picture. Before the plant starts to flower collect up all the leaves and just leave a couple of stems above ground. It looks harsh but this plant is bullet proof. These are in perfect condition for picking.

There are a couple ofways of treating the leaves. You can add them direct to your soil before planting, you can even add them to your compost. However I favour the big bucket method. Place all the leaves in a bucket and cover with water. 40 litres should do the trick. Cover the bucket and keep it away from everything with a nose. Really.

That's the bucket in the left corner of the picture. This is as close as I can get to the bucket during the summer.

Six weeks later you should have a brown smelly sludge in the bottom of the bucket. It will smell quite foul but it will be a unique smell not of decaying vegetable matter or decaying flesh for that matter. Sort of like the way horse manure smells bad but you can tolerate it because you know it's not malevolent.

Anyway pour a litre of this muck into a watering can . Add 10 litres of water to it and start watering. It's great for squashes, cabbages, lettuce, roots and herbs. I've not tried it on potatoes or tomatoes or onions and garlic but all would benefit from comfrey in the soil before planting.

Neither have I tried it in the green house or on our fruit bushes as these all have their own feeding and watering routines which I do not want to mess around with.

Free green fertilizer. The results are magnificent.

Li'l Darlin'. It's been a along cold loney Winter.

2010-03-03T12:59:00.002Z

It's alright.

The Sun's up, the frosts are subsiding and the the nights are getting shorter. March Winds and April Showers be dambed. It's nearly spring. We can all start planting again. Whoo Hoo!

Last year I had carrots planted buy this time but the weather has been so harsh that I've had to sit on my hands until this week. When Saturday morning comes I'll be rumaging aorund the plot looking for signs of life in the Aspargus bed and planting my Early Nantes carrots.

The Purple Sprouting Broccoli (PSB)is looking very purple. I'm really looking forward to that first proper harvest.

I've been busy in the greenhouse too. More later.

Here comes the Sun, Here comes the sun, and I say....

Flowers? Really.

2010-02-18T13:01:00.007Z

I'm a broken man.

For the last two seasons ( My first to seasons incidentally) I have taken a very dim view of flowers on the plot. We need Borrage and sunflowers for bees and I have ranks of sweetpeas that border or fence my herb garden for the bugs. That's good enough. Bee and bug demands covered. As far as I'm concerned that qualifies me as a florist.

See. A bug on a borrage plant.

Sunflower. Nothing there that's going to harm you. It's six feet tall. It's a man's flower!
Mmmmm. Herby goodness. Sweetpeas far left growing up canes. It a pretty fence if you will.

So imagine my surprise when one cold wet February morning I arrived at the plot with a packet of Dahlia seeds bought on a whim at Sainbury's in Hornchurch following my regular hair cut.

Without going into too much detail I love my trips to the hairdresser. The guy that cuts my hair makes me look human and the beautiful salon is owned by my very, very dear friend Kerry. The whole experience is a unalloyed joy from start to finish and I look forward to it immensely. However, whilst railing against the flower for so long I now find myself buying flower seeds after my haircut. What new devilment is this?

Is Kerry putting something in my coffee? Perhaps it's the scalp massage administered by the lithe nimble fingers of the Trainee and Saturdays girls. Who knows.

I must be strong. Perhaps I will eschew the coffee and decline the hair conditioner. Maybe then I'll cowboy up a bit.

Oh I planted them alright. Lovely. Just like John Wayne's

I miss my allotment

2010-01-15T12:43:00.003Z

It's lunchtime on Friday 15th January 2010 and it looks like I might just get down to the plot this weekend.

Next weekend I have the rather large 40th birthday of a very dear friend of mine and I will not be around. the next weekend is Coryn 65th Birthday bash so it is imperative that I make an appearance this week.

There won't be much I can actually do as the soil will be too damp and cold to walk on. Soil structure at this time of year is so fragile. My dirty great size 12s stomping all over it will do no good at all. Size 12s are however very useful for preparing a firm base for planting the brassica plot later in the year.

As I am blessed with a very large greenhouse. I’ll move the tea making stuff into there and have a potter around. Perhaps I’ll prepare some pots for planting or just sit and listen to my ipod.

Seed potatoes arrive next weekend. 8 weeks til spring.

It’s been the coldest winter for many decades. But you know what? The water in the toilet bowl still hasn’t frozen. When it does, that’ll be proper cold.

Be careful what you ask for

2010-01-07T13:03:00.003Z

So in my last post I was ruminating on the idea that a few decent frosts might kill off all the bugs in the soil that have been ruining my carrot harvest this season.

Because of all this rubbish weather I've been to the plot twice since mid December.

I went once to pick up some cabbage to be greeted with a two inch covering of snow all over the plot. This was about a week before Christmas. Not until you see the snow on the ground do you realise just how busy the foxes are on your plot. Every couple of inches across the whole plot there were fox prints. The whole site looked like a massive skin of a golf ball.

An couple of days before new year I dropped off some manure and spread it around on one of the plots and picked up some fresh herbs for my trip away to the Cotswolds for New Year.

Since then the whole plot as been frozen solid and covered with snow.

We did manage to get some planting done at the beginning of December. We managed to get a lot of garlic in the ground which will love all the snow and frost as garlic likes a good cold snap.

We also planted some Broad Beans which will now be dead. They were a bit leggy when they went in so the snow would have crushed them. Never mind I'll get some more in soon and hopefully they will be big and strong before the aphids arrive.

It will soon be spring!

What the heck is wrong with my carrots?

2009-12-07T23:07:00.005Z

What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A Carrot. That's still the funniest vegetable joke I know. Unless you know different. There's a comments box and everything. Come on 'ave a go if you think you're funny enough. Here's the thing. My sunny, sheltered, south facing plot has warm, rich, loamy, well drained soil. I live in the south east and we have no discernible rabbit problem. (foxes ate all the rabbits) For carrot growing you just add carrot seeds. That's it. I have everything that 90% of other plot holders across the country and the rest of the carrot eating world spend a lot of time trying to create. I can hear the other 90% of plot holder cursing me now. Oh you poor soul, with your rich loamy soil and sheltered south facing aspect. Talent is what you lack you oaf! The only way I know that my carrots are carrots is because I have litle white markers at the end of each row that says "Carrot". I put them there myself.

This year's crops of carrots have been worm infested and rotten. For every ten carrots I pick, six are inedible, two are under sized and only two are presentable. I'll be hoping for some proper frosts to kick the soil into shape and kill of some of the bugs that are doing all the damage. Clearly carrots are not fire and forget and I'll need to make more time for them next season.

I made it through the rain

2009-12-07T22:40:00.007Z

Well if you live in the UK you'll know what the major topic of conversation has been over the last few weeks. You guessed it. Rain.

We've been hit by one relentless deluge after another. Add a side order of gales and a couple of frosts and just about everyone had a cold or flu. It's horrible. Truly horrible.

Strangely despite the weather some things on the plot keep growing. WEEDS!!!!! Everywhere is carpeted with weeds. In these dark winter evenings I don't get to the plot after work so I only visit at weekends. Before I can do anything useful I have to hoe out yards of weeds from across the plot. It's becoming quite a drag.

Still I've managed to break the back of the bottom plot. The Asparagus have been tucked up nicely for the winter and the fruit bushes have been dressed with a layer of manure and straw to protect their roots from the frosts. The trees can use a prune but not right now.

The climbing fruits have been trained up some canes so these should be a bit less unruly next season. Apparently we've got two Tay Berry bushes. Two! Think you could pick out a Tay Berry from a line up? I couldn't.

Next. What the heck is wrong with my carrots?

strike out another day to the great god of unplanned quick halfs that get right out of hand

2009-11-02T12:23:00.007Z

Every good allotmenteer should by now have now have made their to do list.

Got One? Me too.

It's just a reliable way of documenting the outstanding jobs that have been creeping around in the periphery of the plot during the summer.

Whether it's general maintenance like paths, roofs and steps or more seasonal jobs like disinfecting the greenhouse or tidying the shed the irresistible march of time and the continual exposure to the constantly changing weather means that these jobs become due ready or not.

Winter is the time to get some of these jobs done.

Why?

Well lets face it, with everything else that is going on, who has time for all this during the summer?

And that's how it starts.

The to do list summons into being all of allotment life's little irritants, together with the big jobs that have been skulking like black dogs on a dark foot path.

There is always the vain hope that in recognising the extent of your exposure you will some how steel yourself to achieve more. Nope! The to do list serves only to highlight the level of our own poor time organisation and makes us realise that the spell of the dark fairy of indolence is a strong one.

R: Dark fairy help me out!

DF: Well.... You've got all winter.

R: Yes! Yes I have. Thank you dark fairy. I've got all winter.

No I don't.

Between now and March 13th (that's about spring time right?) it will raining, hailing, snowing and sleeting. Heck, it we might even have some frozen soil this year. Doubtful when you live as close to London as I do, but you never know.

Celebrating Christmas this year? Me too. That's another two weekends gone. You won't see those again. Let's not forget the Christmas shopping time too. Let's Just write off the last two weeks of December and the first week of January for starters.

I have several birthdays during that time including a Father, Mother, Grandmother and a couple of very close friends which will each wipe out a Saturday or a Sunday or two.
Despite the wintery conditions there are still plants that need to be sown and all of my soil is in desperate need of compost and manure so that's another two weekends when the general maintenance jobs won't get done.

Allow another weekend for unexpected illness and another one for last minute visitors and strike out another day to the great god of unplanned quick halfs that get right out of hand, and your staring down the barrel of a long weekend and a planned day off work to catch up on the allotment before you need to start planting again.

R: I hate the dark fairy.

DF: Oh Really Rad? How about a quick game of Pro Evolution Soccer? It’s the 2010 version. You can be Spurs I’ll be the Arsenal. Best of 5?

Bean there done that

2009-09-30T20:11:00.006Z

The last of the seasons tomatoes. Too soft to eat will be fridged and made into sauce.

Yes I have a "Mist" setting on my hose. Oh come on, allow me some artistic licence.

Too fussy I know.

Aumunm Bliss

These are the first real harvest of the raspberrys that I've had. My Nephews graze on these plants every time they visit and Coryn & Harry have a freezer full of them. I can't begin to tell you how great these taste fresh off the bush. This variety is actually called Autumn Bliss. They have a very complex aroma like dried tea leafs and roses, they are soft and juicy and melt in the mouth. Add Raspberrys and a couple of scoops of Green & Black's vanilla ice cream to a bowl and eat with a small spoon.

Borlotti Beans.

If you are making a stew in the coming winter months you can do a lot worse than adding a can of these to proceedings. Canned are best for stews in my opinion. They are rich and starchy and they add real depth to the sauce.

These need a good week maybe two to dry out properly. This is best done on the vine so we take them down now and stick them in the green house to dry. This lot will probably only produce about a pound of beans but it is worth it in my opinion. Don't start a Minestrone with out them!

Here's a tip to give your soups and stews a velvety texture.

Just before your soup is ready to serve take a ladle or two out of the stew or soup and put it in your liquidizer. Make sure you have a little bit of everything in the ladle and not too much liquid. Buzz it until it is very, very smooth. You may need to skim off and bubbles, random debris or unrendered fats that come to the surface ( you'll see them if they are there) and add it back to the stew and stir in well. Now you're cooking. Be careful when using liquidizers and hot liquids.

Shoot the runner

Ha! The end of the runner beans. Cower brief mortal! You are going to die alone in a big black composter and no one will mourn your passing. I hate runner beans!

You're goin' 'ome in a big black composter!
(This is funny to about six people, none of whom read this blog)
How can something that I cherish and revere be so close to something I loath and despise? Oooh! it just like Spurs and Arsenal.

Throw away your television. Chili stuff

2009-09-29T11:56:00.017Z

Yes it's time for more Red Hot Chilli Pepper malarkey as I attempt to save my chilli plants so they don't have to be grown from seed again next spring. I took a shot at this last year but due to my poor communication we threw away our spent chilli plants last year.

Moving on.

So. Here are what I am tentatively calling my test plants.

Jalapeño mild to medium heat. The reliable work horse of the chilli world. Will produce a pleasant flop sweat on your brow and a warm sensation on your cheeks. More heat than this you are in dare territory!

Anaheim or Stak variety very mild. Just about a pointy sweet pepper really but a prolific cropper.

These are common or garden variety chillis that are uncomplicated to cultivate in a greenhouse. I have found these two plants in particular to have high quality fruits with the jalapeño giving a nice medium heat in cooking.

Sliding scales

For the heat lovers among you there is a chilli heat scale called the Scoville scale.

Here is how it shapes up. The Bell Pepper registers a Zero on the Scoville Scale. No heat.

Conversely the Habenero is a chilli for the serious heat lover. It registers around 300,000 "watts" towards the top end of the Scoville Scale. It has closely related family in the infamous Scotch Bonet and Naga chilli variety used in Jamaican and Bangladeshi cuisine receptively. If there is food in front of you which has been prepared using these, and you are not Bangladeshi or Jamaican or Mexican, then run. You are out of your depth.

HOT, HOTTER, PERFORATED ULCER

There are hotter chillis than the mighty Habenero and it's kissing cousins. A rather unnerving example is that Police grade pepper spray comes in at 5.5 million "watts" on the Scoville Scale.

There are chillies available in this country that are twice as hot at that.

Recent "progress" in crop breeding has produced turbo nutter chillis with names like Mad dog, Mega Death, "Devil's any number of things" and the beautifully poetic "Possible Side Effects".

If this is an avenue you wish to explore than you can do a lot worse than visiting the magnificent Michael Michaud. He's certified organic and probaly has a similar accreditation for his sanity. He is not some loon cross breeding this things in his back garden. He's got a poly tunnel.

Here's the crazy.

http://www.dorsetnaga.com/

Son. You're on your own.

I've grown the Habenaros before and I don't recommend it. They numb your tongue and throat and give you horrendous heartburn. You then get a hot sensation on top of the head and a tingling sensation at the back of the neck. Finally you are drenched in sweat for two hours. Heaven knows what a second bite would do! ( Thank you Peter Mahler)

Example. A teaspoonful of oil from a four year old jar of roasted habeneros will be sufficient to "heat" about 2lbs of chile con carne or a fiery curry to a level where you cannot feel your tongue. Handle only with rubber gloves. Burn the gloves after you have use them. Burn everything else the gloves touched. Lunacy!

Here's your 4 year old jar of roasted Habenaros. Oh yeah. I did! SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO!

Back to the sanity

The Jalapeño registers around 5,000. You know these little guys. These are the chillies that Old El Passo Corp put in the pickle jars and sell to you at £1.75 for 100gs

The Anaheim registers around 250 and is suitable for salsas and adding a zing to a salads or as Homer Simpson would say "suitable for some one recovering from surgery!"

It's basically a pointy sweet pepper.

Once Autumn has passed and the crops have stopped growing we'll look at how to preserve the plants from the tricksy English Winter.

History repaets itself, first as tragedy then as farce.

2009-09-23T12:22:00.007Z

Oh look at these terrible things. Leek Worm (Who knew?) and paper leaf invasion have put paid to all my vast leek bed this year.

It's a disaster zone. I really should air lift this lot out of here. This happened last year too. We ended up drafting in shop bought baby leeks to cover the gaps. Too late for that this year. We grew all our leeks in a raised bed on the plot. You can just see them peeping over the top of the far blue barrel.

We had hundreds. Really. We planted about 120 gave away most of the rest to our plot neighbours. Most of our plot neighbours have the same problem too. Err. from the leeks we gave them. Ouch!

C'est la vie is becoming a bit of a theme this year.

Maybe it's a Karma thing. Perhaps giving away most of our leeks wasn't enough to square me with Krishna this year. On reflection...........Krishna is probably right.

I'll perceiver for a while yet. All but three leeks have been cut back to a couple of inches from the ground. I have thoroughly fed and watered the remaining leeks and removed dead leeks from the bed. Hopefully in this non hostile atmosphere they can thrive and become the Leek-opolis I had dreamed of for this winter.

Mmmm. The gaps are very conspicuous.

It's bad enough I lost all my corn this year. I'm hope I'm not going to loose my leeks too.

A close up of the kill or cure technique. Brutal.

Hari Hari!

Mellow sunday afternoon

2009-09-21T12:18:00.020Z

Being at the plot yesterday just reminded me of the good bits of this time of the year. It felt like one of those lovely lazy Sunday afternoons.

The things that need doing you can linger over. You can relish the job for the gentle art involved, and the reward is the job itself. There is an imperative with no deadline.

See. Notice no spade. Tea, milk, kettle, burner, Ipod, camera, phone,Carol Klein book, hang over cookies and of course a marrow. I have no idea what that is doing there. Honestly, this picture was not set up. The kettle is of course on.

Sundays man. Watching Marx Bros films on TCM, hot (Duck?) soup and crusty bread rolls or tidying the herb patch and pottering in the greenhouse. Golden days.

It's a special time of year. Foot off the gas baby. We'll coast this bit.

Some of you may have caught the original verion of this post. I was asked to revise the post. Only a reference to the Marx Bros and duck soup remain.

Happy little squashes

2009-09-17T11:43:00.011Z

Last year we had a bit of a rough time with out butter nut squash. It was OK but there were not that many of them and we lost loads to disease. Without really realising it we've had a cracking season this year. I think that is just the way things happen sometimes.

The plants went out in late June after any fear of late frosts had passed and the squash have trailed along happily doing little butter nut squashes as they go.

We've helped a little. A bag of bark chippings to keep the fruit off the dirt has helped. Bark chippings also help air circulate under the fruit, giving you fewer flat spots and less disease. Bark chips keeps weeds to a minimum and keep in moisture in our free draining soil.

Finally we planted a bit of Borrage near the plants for the bees to pollinate the flowers. Borrage is very easy to grow. It's a hairy and largely unlovely plant that grows about two foot six high and about the same wide. it has beautiful blue star shaped flowers and most importantly Borrage is like crack for bees. Bees go mad for the flowers and will happily pollinate any other plants around while they are at it.

Cobs wallop

2009-09-14T11:57:00.008Z

The Sweetcorn was a disaster this year. This was due to the variety more than anything else. I was so exited about it. Fresh corn is the best thing about August & September. Not this year. I tried to put it to the back of my mind.

Last year we had great hulking sweetcorn plants, seven feet high (really) bristling with four or more cobs per plant.

These piddly things boasted a creditable two, creditable only because of the size of the plant. However the quality was very poor.

I had two cobs from a crop of 18 plants. They tasted very earthy and not at all sweet. Most of the cobs were thrown away. Those we did harvest were tasteless or not fully formed or had rotted on the stem before reaching maturity.

C'est la vie. I'm over it.

The Party's over

2009-09-14T11:36:00.008Z

So the explosion of summer fruit and veg is over. More or less. It feels like clearing up after a long and very enjoyable party.

And like all good parties some of the tidying up makes you laugh, some is quite surprising in a "How did that get here?" kind of way. Some things you discover make you slowly shake your head is disappointment and the older and wiser among us already have a list of those that will not be invited back next year.

To torture this metaphor a little further we had a gatecrasher this year which meant that the party finished earlier that usual. Blight. Not only did it affect our party it affected alot of other people's parties too.

This is it. Blight.

Hi. I'm here with John.

Like all good parties, I'm already planning another.

I've said it before. It's not all dirt and turnips.

2009-09-08T19:56:00.008Z

So I've been absent for a few weekends recently.

Reason one. Java settings. Or as I like to call it Javaaarrrggghhh! Some how I've managed to prevent my PC from uploading photos to websites including facebook and my blog. Fixed. Relived but puzzled but I suspect that is not a thread that I want to pick at.

Reason two.

This bloke
Yes that's Tony Christie. Avenues and Alleyways.

and these

but we were not with the Clanggers. We were dressed as Coneheads. In the very unlikely event that you too were at the best kept secret somewhere just north of the M25 this summer then you probably saw me that weekend. Probably? No, you saw me.

and reason Three.

I was here

doing this

and watching the Muse homecoming gig in Teignmounth.

Pronounced "Tin mouth". You not fram round 'ere bay.

No turnips. It was quite dirty.

Weeds provide the greeen shoots of recovery

2009-09-08T17:09:00.005Z

Don't panic I'm not a halfwitted politician gasping for the oxygen of publicity by claiming that I can see the green shoots of recovery.

It's weeds man. You need weeds? Come see me I've gots acres of them. I pull up bags, trugs and buckets full of the wretched things every visit. Some of them go on the compost heap but most get bagged and taken by car full to the recycling center (formerly known as the tip).

Talk about "where there's muck there's brass." I dig up my weeds and take them to the council recycling centre. A year later the council sell them back to me. I know.

Here's your everyday magic in action.

The council put my weeds in a massive pile with all the other rubbish people don't want. They build the weeds and grass cutting and hedge trimmings into giant mounds of largely organic something or other. They water it, turn it and occasionally have to cover it. All this is done on an industrial scale using reclaimed land and the kind of earth moving equipment that brief mortals like us cannot get their grubby hands on outside of a quarry site or maybe Diggerland.

Diggerland? No? More muck and brass. Here's your link http://www.diggerland.com/ because I can't make this stuff up.

FOCUS!

So the breakdown process that make your hedge into humus (no not the chick pea dip although that would be magical) actually produces enough heat to kill off the most pernicious of weeds and all the spiteful and hostile bacteria too. So there is no need for burning infected plants any more.

I'm not claiming that industrial composting is some sort of divine gift but it is a cracking idea and, whilst it does have a few suspect down sides, it's a step in the right direction.

Here's the kicker. Come spring next year the council will sell me back my own weeds and your hedge clipping and grass cuttings in the form of compost at around £4 a bag which, I should add for reasons of full disclosure, I will happily pay.

The circle of shite! Capitalism at it's most happy and shiny. No casino banking, no quantitative easement, no cash for clunkers, kickstart or stimulus packages, just rubbish turned into something useful and sold on to help perpetuate it's own usefulness.

Oh it's gooood to be back!

Scenes from a village alloment

2009-08-05T11:45:00.006Z

Puppets to sell tomato sauce. It never would have occurred to me.

2009-07-27T11:37:00.011Z

So the tomato forest is finally taking shape.

Of the three varieties that we are growing this year Roma, Gardener's Delight, and Money Maker, Roma looks the most exotic and different. It's a plum tomato and likes a lot of sun.

This batch of Roma plants, we recently discovered, are a bush plant. Which means that they get quite leafy and are very squat. Fortunately this does not detract from the fact that they are very, very heavy cropping. Look at these beauties.

The Roma tomato is your buddy if you want to make tomato sauces. Fleshy and fragrant (on the bush) their high flesh to low water ratio makes them perfect for rich sauces that can me heavily flavoured if required.

Home grown toms with home grown garlic and herbs. That's what this lark is all about. OK so I'll have to freeze it but It will still taste better than a jar of branded pasta sauce. I can't begin to tell you the unspeakable things that they do to a tomato before it becomes pasta sauce.

Here's some of my garlic...

and here are my herbs.

When's My Dolmio night? I don't have one. Now beat it and take your creepy puppets with you.

I'm off to get some new pans!

For every action there is an opposite but equal reaction. I'm not sure it's equal.

2009-07-15T11:38:00.012Z

Don't let anyone tell you that allotments are easy. There is a pastoral dream associated with growing your own veg that has been cultivated (if you'll pardon the expression) by the BBC, Hugh Fernley-Whittingstall, Jamie Oliver and others. Don't believe a word of it.

Unless you have your own walled garden and garden staff ( and all of the above do) then you can't just step out into the garden and pick a bunch of veg for a salad or a soup or for Sunday lunch with out a significant amount of time invested in digging, sowing, weeding and general husbandry.

Don't believe me? Try scattering some parsley seeds on the ground and six weeks later nip out into the garden and try and find the parsley let alone pick it!

So the pay off for all the hard work is the fresh food ( and it really is very fresh)

I've got dirt under my fingernails just about all the time. I spend my free hours gently sweating in work boots, denim and tatty t-shirts. I dream of carrots and spades, I fret about weeds growing on my land whilst I'm at work. I measure weed encroachment between visits to my plot. I can tell the difference between various ages of horse poop and I have a minimum of two baths on Saturdays and Sundays.

My allotment is in many ways better than the gym, and a good deal less expensive. The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge £10 an hour, we can't call it "Jumping up and down".

This is just jumping up and down really. My muscle mass has increased dramatically, I'm fitter and I'm more flexible than I've been since I stopped playing rugby. I've just about deadened my fear of spiders (via allotment induced immersion therapy).

I have open access to seasonal cut flowers and fresh vegetables at all hours of the day and night, which is much more handy than you may think. I whilst I've never been one to knowingly turn up empty handed anywhere, at this time of year I can turn up with seasonal veg and occasionally fresh cut flowers as well as the obligatory bottle of wine.

Like most things in life you get out what you put in. I put in sweat and manure I get back tomatoes. Which luckily do not taste of sweat or horse muck for that matter. Fascinating!

The finest work songs...interupted

2009-06-26T11:24:00.011Z

With an i pod full of happy work songs (Finest work songs fro the REM fans) I've been tripping down the the plot full of drive and enthusiasm.

Welcome to the best part of the year. Everything is growing and as I only see the plot a couple of times a week there is a massive difference to every plant every time I visit. Work done in June pays off for the whole season.

Of course ther is a lot of weeding to do. It's my least favourite thing to do. I feel like Sisyphus pushing his boulder. Everyone will tell you if in doubt... weed. Everytime you visit the plot you should do some weeding. I do and frankly it's a bit boring.

I plug in my ipod and try and get in the frame of mind to clear an area or weeds and then every five minutes some one interupts me (probably in an attempt to sherk their own weeding routine) and I end up having to stop.

I've started the slow recognition routine and it seems to work.

First, ignore the first words anyone says when you have your ipod in. That will deter the casual time theif.

Second, once they have your attention a little mock surprise always sells the first ignored sentence.

Third, fumble with the ipod and make a fuss of taking out ear phones. An overly loud "Oh Hang on" also helps especialy if delivered in a tone which says "whatever you are bothering me with had better be good".

Finally a quick "sorry about that, I was in the middle of something" should shame the current interloper into making it quick or revising the "hot enough for you" opener that you have already done so well to ignore.

I'm not a bad person (that's not strictly true) and most of the time I enjoy the gentle banter of the allotmet society members and we are very fortuante that everyone I've met at the plot is plesant and genial. Hoever look what I get done when I get some time to myself!

Not a weed in site.

Look at my lovely tomatoes I've tied them up for the second time and weeded them thoroughly.

I've also manured a part of the bed that seems not to have been covered during the winter. It all looks rather lovely. It's the poster bed for the allotment society.

I can't tell you all the scraping around on my hands and knees I did to make that look so smashing. Hand weeding! Errgh!

A very green house

2009-06-08T20:09:00.009Z

It's very difficult to put into words the level of knowledge, skill and determination required to transform something that is a beaten up, abandoned wreck into something that is designed to function better than any shop bought version of itself could ever do.

Our greenhouse is a triumph of will. One Greenhouse that was on it's last legs and in danger of falling to bits in the next decent gale was renovated and then joined together with another green house (donated to us by my sadly departed Uncle Paul) the measurements of which were slightly different by a matter of only a few inches. A few very crutial few inches as it turned out. A few inches taller and wider means that every single section has to be cut down to size and fitted individually. Then it has to be glazed.

I can't begin to tell you the effort that went in to going from this

to this.

Needless to say Harry is single-handedly responsible for this transformation. I true monument to his ingenuity.

Lets see if I can do it some justice.

from a very unpromising start

The footings were dug and poured

I swear that our plot neighbours thought we were building a koi pond!Then the old greenhouse was dug up and out and kicked around and tried on for size. Nice Job!
The other green house was cut up and fitted and two courses of bricks layed to fit the two structures together to level the roof lines.
Then both structers were tied to a wooden batton bolted to the bricks.
A spot of carzy paving for the path. Hey, no one said it couldn't be groovy!

Weed membrane down.

We couldn't easily mix all the concrete to float a full concrete floor so we improvised with some slabs.

Cheers Dad

Up and running now...

Red peppers
Rather grotesque cucumbers
'Erbs man.

Like solidiers on parade

2009-06-08T12:11:00.007Z

Just in case it never occurred to you, the reason we plant veggies in rows is because weeds hardly every grow in straight lines.

On allotment plots across the country transformations at this time of year, whilst common place, are still no less remarkable. I'm already measuring where we are now against this time last year.

Take a look at this....

A beautiful sunny Saturday morning in early June 2009

the following day

Here's what we started with in lateMay 2008.

I've actually had very little to do with most of the planting on the top plot this year. Due to my holiday absence I missed a lot of the planting on the top plot and much of the planting that remained was done as required not when I could get to the plot.

So I'm as interested to see these pictures as you hopefully are.

The Sweetcorn forest has been reinstated. Coryn's not as hopeful about this lot as she was about last years crop but I can tell you that all the effort put into the soil should yield magnificent results.

The tomato jungle also makes a welcome return. I'll do a tomato based post in a couple of weeks.

Money Maker, Gardener's Delight and Roma are the tree plants this year and we've got a whole load of cherry tomatoes in buckets at the side of the green house. MM & GD are standard fare in the tomato world but Roma are a little different, they are reasonably heavy cropping and as good as they are for eating they make much better sauces.

Cherry tomatoes are in buckets buy the side of the Green house. We're good for toms and if you have never had my home grown toms then you are in for a treat this summer.

Cabbages are in. Cauliflowers, broccoli, sprouts and PSB (summer version) are all in attendance this year. Great to have you back fellas.

Harry hard at planting cauliflowers that ironically he really not a fan of.
....and last but not least the mighty salad buckets are up and running. Coryn's got a leek nursery on the far bucket. Baby leeks Baby!

More to follow. I'll be back to four or five posts a month now I recon.

I've just sorted out the ghastly Java settings on my PC so with a bit of luck I'll get some pics up with out having to wrestle each one for hours on end.

What's eating Gilbert Grapevine? or the Grapes of Wrath

2009-06-03T22:15:00.007Z

Right. Let's talk about grapes.

More accurately you can read while I moan about grapes. Well vines in particular as if you don't have a vine it's highly unlikely that you'll be able to grow grapes. Which is kind of the problem.

So here's my last vine joke. I promise.

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

Sadly this is my stick and and it is supposed to be a grape vine.

It's June and it showing as much life now as it did in December last year. I suspect that it has died but I'm in denial. I'm in denial because I have another one on the main plot in exactly the same shape.

La.

OK this one has the tiniest leaf shooting from somewhere so far south of the main growing stem I suspect that Harry might have stuck it there to give me hope. I'm a Spurs fan. I hate hope!

You know that could be a caterpillar. Lets take another look.

I'll take another picture on my next visit. Leaf watch. Will the excitement ever start? I smell very expensive compost in your near future young twig of mine.

Well there it is. The evidence is mounting. I'm a vine killer. A serial vine killer. One dead vine is unfortunate. Two looks like carelessness.

So the vines have me worried. These are vines that grow table grapes of course.

Who needs wine grapes these days? I can't make wine cheaper than Tescos grow it, ferment it, bottle it and ship from half a world away. That's just economy of scale you understand not exploitation.

You know what? I don't want locally grown or sourced wines.

We can't grow decent enough grapes long enough or consistently well in England. It has nothing to do with the producers who strike me as a wholly committed, industrious and slightly eccentric bunch. It's the weather.

Give me Rioja, Claret, Pino Grigio and Sancere. I want to feel sun kissed grapes flood deliciously over on my tongue, I'd rather not wince politely as I suck back something that tastes as if it has been made from unprocessed Gooseberries and nine volt batteries.

Some things are best left to the pros.

As long as people accept rubbish it will be financially profitable to produce rubbish.

2009-05-11T11:42:00.007Z

I found a local farm shop that sells duck eggs and Goose eggs (Available only six weeks of the year) and sells lots of veg that it grows on the farm. Don't panic. I'm not going to preach to the choir.

I now do my very best to buy all the veg that I cannot grow myself from my lovely "Veg & Bloom Farm". I ride there mostly so I'm not making extra trips in the car either. It is nice for me to think that you too might think about doing the same where you can. (Obviously don't shop at the one in Upminster that would be folly). It's not easy, and like most things in life you have to put yourself out to be responsible or stand up for what you think is right.

Here's the rub. If I buy all my veg from farm guy (above) and his profits go up, will he concentrate of growing better veg and keeping the farm as a going concern? Or will he think of more things to sell me so that in a few years I'm shopping for fennel in a flipping garden centre?

Let's all be careful what we wish for.

Tesco et al have their place, we all need baked beans and tinned tomatoes and Orange Juice lets not be silly about this. I'm not an eco-warrior, I don't want to "Fight the man" but I'm happy to ignore him at parties.

A word of caution though. Be wary of Farmer's Markets. It strikes me that some are stalked by highly unscrupulous posers selling highly packaged rubbish to get you to part with your hard earned cash. "Oh this is lovely we got it from a Farmer's Market in Wolverhampton".

If you find yourself with a fridge full of artisan goats cheese and exotic preserves you'll never eat either side of Christmas you'll know where I'm coming from. Please, go to a Farmer's Markets with a shopping list the same way you would go to Sainsburys. See how much you come home with.

You're welcome.

Happier blogs will follow. I'm in a dark place right now but it's just a phase I'm going through.

It's all go!

2009-04-28T12:43:00.016Z

These are mine. Smashing aren't they.

So with the whole of the top plot now dug over it's planting time again.

Don't worry this in not an exhaustive list of every time I put something in the ground. Lots of pics and only the key stuff.

As the greenhouse was not quite finished in time for February then most of the plants have been potted and planted at Coryn & Harry's home green house. Their green house is heated and will protect the tiny seeds from the extreams of the English winter.
pics to follow

So whilst everyone else has had plots that are filled with sprouting this and that, ours has been quite barren and bare.

One 1/4 is full of potatoes. You can't see most of these as they have only just been planted. Some have just started to poke through though.

One plot had purple sprouting broccoli and spring cabbage on it and rhubarb at the top. This has now been dug over and some carrots planted at the bottom ( that Green haze baby carrot leaves)) and onions. Mainly onions we will squeeze in some squash here too.

The other side is completely bare. This is because these 1/4s are for brassicas (top) and Tomatoes and Sweetcorn (bottom) just going in now.

The strawberries are planted in buckets around the site and we also have a bed the size of a parking space full of the little blighters. They look pretty good and my camera work isn't too shabby either. (I treated myself to a nice new tripod which was not as extravagant as it sounds)

and the beans are in. Whoop de do. Beans everyone!

No pictures of beans. Ever!

Everything else is too small to photograph at this stage and frankly it gets a bit boring without pics.

The fruit is up and running.

the trees have kicked off on time.
Full speed ahead. The frosts have past and a long hot summer is predicted. Free at last from the tyranny of English weather we might just have a proper summer. Nice.

Spring is here, and Stephen Morrisey is ringing in my ears

2009-04-22T11:48:00.009Z

OK. I'm probably getting over excited but it has been a long, cold, bleak Winter and I'm very glad to have the sun on my back when I'm digging at the plot.

I'm less keen on the sun on my back when I'm on my way to work but until I can get my act together to become a professional sea fisherman, The Guardian's chief music critic, or vegetable and fruit consultant to the stars then I'll just have to quit moaning about that.

I'm my excitement, and to dull the boredom of long digging stints this weekend, I threw together some happy images of Spring in the beginnings of it's wiping the winter sleep from it's eyes, poking it's head out, reaching for the sky, fresh and zingy, blimey that sun is bright, blast I left my shades at home, Oh! First sun burn of the year.....glory.

I know we are likely to be due some gales, frosts and a rain storm or two still, but allow me my moment.

I suspect an infestation of infants is also immanent as I caught one in my Purple Sprouting Broccoli this week. There is no treatment for these, once you've got 'em you've got them for life. This one belongs to my brother.

As the great man said. Good times for a change. See the luck I've had could make a good man bad.

Morrissey in an Allotment blog? This is a dark place I find myself in.

Worth the wait.

2009-04-15T11:57:00.009Z

So what was supposed to be the most exciting part of this veggie year turned out to be a bit of an after thought. Such is life, and I am reminded that life goes on every day despite everything.

So in rather short order here is the planting of the mighty Asparagus. I can't wait for the first crop. It will be in May 2011. I'm not kidding. This is a marathon not a sprint and the inclusion of the Asparagus on the bottom plot finally caps off the total transformation of the bottom plot to perennial plants. With some judicious mulching I'll hardly have to weed the bottom plot at all.

(Yeah right!)

I'm burying weapons of mass destruction in 4 ten feet long silos!

Once the trenches have been dug I part filled them with well rotted horse poop.

Then I dropped some soil back on top and hoed up the sides of the bottom of the trench.

Plant your Asparagus over the mound

and spread out the roots.

Cover with finely sieved soil. Now....................WAIT TWO YEARS!

The crops will start growing straight away.

Aawww look.

Don't bee fooled see that stone next to it.....

Tiny!

I need a manicure!

By the end of summer these tiny little shoots will grow into ferns about four feet high and about three feet across. I have to let them grow and die back this year and again next year and only at that stage can I start to crop them.

I've got 20 plants (10 early and 10 late cropping) so If you know me well and live local I'll almost definitely be dropping off Asparagus when I visit! But not any time soon.

The dark art of rhubarb forcing.

2009-03-10T21:04:00.008Z

What the....?

I know. It looks kind of odd but you have to remember two things.

1. We have more of these barrels than you can shake a stick at.
See. I think they might be breeding. If you look to the back you can see that a few have split from the herd.

2. I looked for Rhubarb forcers on T'interweb and they cost a fortune. Most of them are made of terracotta, a very pretty product but notoriously feeble in cold wet winters.

You don't want to spend a fortune of this stuff, let's not lose sight of the fact that this is just rhubarb we are talking about.

Here is what is happening inside the bucket. Shortly after Christmas Harry dug up a dormant rhubard root and placed it the bottom of the bucket with some compost and horse doings. He put the lid on, wrapped it in fleece and dropped it in the greenhouse.

Whilst most Rhubard is just poking a head above it's top dressing of horse poop this time of year, Harry created a warm dark Spring in a bucket and our root went about growing. This one is 14 inches long. It has almost no top leaf and if the experts are to be trusted in a few weeks we'll have a crop of the tenderest sweetest rhubard known to man.

Seems like a lot of fuss, but honestly you need something to entertain you on the plot during the long dark teatime of the soul that is Winter.

See.

Rhubarb. Rhubarb. Rhubarb. Nope. That word has now lost all meaning!

Dig jà vu.

2009-03-10T20:21:00.007Z

The feeling that you have dug this bit before.

Having already moved one lot of soil from this old compost heap the really nasty heap next door was tackled by Harry a couple of weeks ago. I missed all that fun as I was shamefully laid up (passed out on the lounge floor) with a legendary hangover following our friend's magnificent "bad taste" birthday party. I'll just say Absinthe and Jagermeister cocktails and leave it at that.

So all I had to do this weekend was shovel and barrow about half a tonne of dirt back onto the plot. I'm just a donkey really.

Huh! I'm missing the final picture. (pic to follow)

The earth here is rich but it's cold and damp and doesn't get sun at ground level because of the shed. So we'll be moving all our fancy raised beds to the land vacated by all this earth.
We've got four of these and we need another two. Then I'll transplant some comfrey underneath the beds to keep the weeds at bay. The comfrey will help me raise my organic credentials later in the year.

1st February 2009. Somewhere under this lot there is my plot.

3rd March 2009. Oh! Look at my lovely plot all nicely dug over.

Don't be fooled. Now it's cleared I have to hoe this every few of days or there will be a carpet of weeds ready to greet me.

Oh! We're in luck Double click on the pic above. I've managed to capture my Allotment Gurus. Harry, and the more camera shy Coryn. (pronounced like Corrine).

I might see if I can cook and eat some weeds this year. They're a lot less trouble than carrots and seem to have no natural predators. Do not try this at home. Most weeds are very dangerous which is why we don't see them in the Tesco chiller cabinet.

It's too early to call it spring but it's beginning to feel a little bit spring-like from time to time.

I've said too much!

Purple Sprouting Majestey

2009-03-08T09:28:00.004Z

Purple sprouting broccoli. (PSB)
You can click on any picture in the blog to enlarge it to full screen size.

I don't think that this counts as the first crop of this season, it's the last crop from last season. We planted this stuff in June 2008 and it's taken it's sweet time to arrive. But when it arrives you have got to be prepared.

We've got about 15 plants some early and some late spouting broccoli. Once the centre shoot develops a large head about two inches across you pick it out. (See below) This encourages the plant to produce lots of smaller heads all over the crown of the plant. Little purple spring fireworks everywhere.

I have the beginnings of a PSB glut. How is that a bad thing?
We have to keep this netted or it escapes.
They turn green when they are cooked. Huh! Still at least you know when to remove them from the steamer.

A quick teaser. Greenhouse watch continues....
Yup. It's as greenhouse.

Absence makes the heart grow flounder

2009-02-03T15:09:00.006Z

January was a bit of a write off with all the wet and cold. Can't say I grew much of my own this month. I only put in a couple of short visits to the plot. Still I kept busy.

I still harvested my own. Leeks and spuds for roasting.

Baked my own.

I buy the flour, but that's not half way to making bread. I find that it's the most difficult thing in the world to get bread right.
Sometime I rely on Mr Hovis and sometimes I just rock! This was a particularly tasty granary.

I love my groovy 70s Kenwood Chef. I got it on E bay and it was nearly as expensive as a new one. This one is very nearly as old as me! I should have gone for the orange and black Chef for that real 70s feel but I have a blue kitchen.

and finally, I caught my own.

I fish the Thames when time and tide suits me. It's much cleaner than every one believes. That bass is 16 inches long and weighed a whisker over 2lb before I gutted it. I can't begin to tell you how good it tasted. It was practically still twitching when it hit the pan. Sorry. Too far? The Flounder was rubbish. I'll be throwing those back in a hurry.

January. Don't be sad don't be angry with me.

2009-01-27T12:18:00.014Z

You'll be singing that for days. Go on treat yourself. Here is the link to "January" by the mighty Pilot. Actually they are not that mighty. They're quite shiny. The shiny pilot.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=ZY3NgDP_cSc

Happy 2009 everyone. That's got to be the latest happy new year greeting you've had.

I've had a lovely January. It started very well getting drunk with my very dearest friends at a friend's house party on new years eve. Those of you with access to my face book pages can see the carnage that ensued. I'm sometimes very glad that I always write under a Nom Du Plume. I've loved seeing your facebook party photos too.

My blood type has change from O Negative to Rioja positive and I should probably not have driven most Sundays. I'll be very sad to draw a big wobbly line under what has been a brilliant January. I have to thank all my friends for their lovely warm and cosy hospitality. xx

Harry has been by far the busiest on the plot. Construction the "Crystal Palace" style green house is approaching completion. This will have it's own post in the coming weeks as it will be the centre of operations once the weather breaks.

We had some proper snow this week. It's been nuts!

Look what some wag has written on our container. "Slippery". Really? Genius. You could have written "freezing cold" on the padlock. That would have been helpful too!
The fresh manure is rotting down nicely. Yep that's a steaming pile for sure. It's also about the warmest place in Essex right now! Doesn't smell as bad as some parts of Essex either.

I see these foot prints in the snow from time to time. I know they belong to a cat but I like to imagine that very small animals fashion stilts from twigs and walk over the snow at night. Think about it. That's the shape that tiny animal stilts would make in the snow. I think I have cabin fever. I'm going outside. I may be sometime.

Christmas Table at Chez Mum & Dad

2008-12-30T23:21:00.006Z

With one thing and another I didn't get around to taking pictures of all the veg on the plate. It probably would have been a bit too steamy anyway. I peeled and roasted the potatoes at my place on Christmas morning. Two ovens are better than one.

I did get a picture of the winter salad and smoked salmon starter with a full complement of winter salad veg picked fresh the evening before.

A picture of Mom & Pop's lovely Christmas dinner table.
We had one of those fancy Kelly Bronze Turkeys. They taste so good you can really tell the difference. That's why we have turkey fro Christmas . This is our second year of free range organic turkey and I was so surprised at the difference I now make every effort to buy free range these days.

I should add that I, like most hand wringing Guardian reading lefties, was also shocked into compliance by Hugh Fernley-Wittingstall's and Jamie Oliver's TV shows at the beginning of this year. I'll throw up some links to their sites (lest we forget) and also one to the Jimmy's Farm site (another TV hero) where we got our Kelly Bronze Turkey. Jimmy's Farm is well worth the trip but check the weather beforehand and always take wellies just in case!

We have a (Maris) Piper down

2008-12-30T23:01:00.002Z

Those that did not make the Christmas cut.

Carrots. I'm not sure I could grow a carrot that would last into darkest December. If I could I suspect that neither I nor anyone else would be able to eat it. Face it. Carrots come from supermarkets for Christmas.

I've still got some larger beetroot in the ground but they didn't make the Boxing day table. I tried to hide the taste with a white wine vinegar and fennel seed marinade but that just made it taste like pickled beetroot. Don't get me started.

The Green Tomato chutney tastes great but I forgot to bring that to Boxing day lunch because I'm not very bright. Trust me it's lovely.

I still miss the sweetcorn but it's just not a Christmas thing in this Hemisphere.

Mint, coriander, chives, tarragon and Margoram (Oregano) will be around this time next year once i get a couple of cold frames up for them. (OK maybe not corriander) As will rocket and the Italian salad spinich leaves.

pics to follow.

Grow your own christmas

2008-12-30T22:17:00.007Z

I have to say it's difficult to have everything you need for a Christmas dinner ready or still around in December.

Parsnips and sprouts are a nail on certainty as they can stick around all year.

Leeks are your buddy.
Cabbage you might sweat on, depends on what you grow and where you grow it. This is June 08 sown Cavello Nero ( Kale) Still growing in December and high enough off the ground not to be bothered by birds.

Very small leaves are great in a wineter salad. Larger leaves are perfect for soups. These are true "fire and forget" crops. I love 'em. £2.50 a bag in Tesco. Nonsense!

Spuds have to be a bit more canny with. You have to make sure that the heads have died off before the first frosts arrive or they are likely to rot underground. However, you still have to plant them late enough to not have rotted naturally by the time December comes around. We planted these in Mid August.

You also have to remember that the shorter growing season and colder conditions will make this potato crop smaller so this a not a value crop, it's an indulgence.

I've always beleived that it's fine to be extravgant from time to time, but one should never be wasteful. (Nigella Lawson)

Finally the herbs. This is from one of the tables.

I've still got Mizuno (right) growning like a champ. This was sown in September and has been cut and come againat least three times since then. The rocket (Left) is hardy enough to suffer the frosts but it needs proper cover if it is to continue to grow in this harsh weather. Cob salad? (lambs lettice, those tiny green specks at the back) Don't bother. It will survive an English winter but sure as heck won't grow in one.

The herbs are looking good. Sadly the Mint, Chives and Tarragon have long since checked out for the winter, but both the parsleys the Sage and the Common Thyme are doing just fine in my sheltered sun trap herb patch. Not that there is any sun to trap at present.The Rosemary is just outstanding...
and how much do you love my Bay Tree? I know. I'm good for bay leaves!

On Sprouts Pt ii

2008-11-23T17:15:00.001Z

I'm taking you under the canopy into the surprisingly light and airy world of the sprout.

The average sprout has a very architectural air about it. Look at the formality of the stems. The elegant ellipse markings before the leaf. Beautiful form and function.
Any old leave can be described as architectural. Sprout leaves have water features!

I love the way that the light is reflected around this quite graceful plant.
Look at the formation of the actual sprouts. You can see where I've removed the lower leaver popping out like tiny cabbages on an elegant helix production line.
You can see how firm the sprouts are. I did make sure that the ground here was nice and firm before I planted. If the ground is soft for Brassicas you end up with soft leafy badly formed sprouts that rot. Also this is a very to heavy plant with big spoon shape leaves that catch the wind. If the ground is not firm the sprouts will not last the Autumn.

On Sprouts Part i

2008-11-18T13:01:00.002Z

The humble sprout. The least sexy most berated and even hated of all veg. If the sprout was an animal it would be a slug or a wasp.

Like the parsnip, the sprout suffers from early onset vegetable hatred. Everyone went off parsnips when they left a roast potato on the plate so that it could be eaten last, only to discover it was a roasted parsnip. Parsnips are nice but they ain't no roast potato.

Sprouts get a bad rep because they are the least enjoyable part of the world’s most enjoyable meal.

Whilst I'd be the first to admit that Christmas in this country has gotten way out of hand, nothing is greater than the traditional Christmas dinner. Even the vegetarian option is a wonder to behold. The sprout has made its name as the pantomime villain of the Christmas spread. Kids from early ages are expected to eat them when to the Child's palate your average sprout is basically poison.

Perhaps, like alcohol, we should not let children have some veg until they are older. No honey these are Daddy's vegetables. Eat your carrots. You can have sprouts when you are older. After all sprouts taste better than beer does.

Silly Bastard Trenching

2008-11-17T17:57:00.012Z

Please! stay with me. I'm not being rude.

There is a technique called Bastard Trenching. (see capital letters. Noun.) It's probably some down home countryside phrase. In the same way that Asparagus is called "Sparrow Grass" in Norwich.

On a previous post I got all excited about my double digging and adding organic matter to the soil.

Well, there's a website ,dear reader, that I regularly visit which is far more knowledgeable about vegetables than my happy little site. I've been advised by people on that site that what I've been doing is not double digging. Not even a little bit.

I fear I've lead you astray dear reader and for that I can only apologise.

Some calcification is required. Double digging involves digging a trench twice the depth of your spade head. That's the double bit I guess. Then you dig another double trench next to the first trench and fill the first trench.....You know what ? Here's a picture.

Then there's Bastard Trenching. This involves digging the first trench to a depth of one spit then just forking over the soil the bottom of the trench to aid drainage, let air in and help roots go down deeper etc. You then dig another trench and empty the contents of that trench into the first and so on.

What I was doing was none of these things. Still at least I gave clear instructions so that those that know, were able to set me straight.

But I did your digging.

So, technicalities aside, if you like my style of digging and feel like adopting it for your own plot then I have provided a suitable hybrid name in the above title. Nothing flash or self titled. It's just so that when someone asks, you can tell them what you're up to. I dare you!

The Red hot chilli pepper experiment

2008-11-14T00:09:00.006Z

Get a group of burned out surfers, teach them a few chords and find them a decent drummer. Add one catchy song that they can dine out on for a decade and turn your back.

Miraculously a very ordinary Californian funk band become the biggest flipping band in the world. Huh!

As the late, great Bill Hicks used to say... "I missed THAT meeting". **

Lets hope that I have as much success with my chilli plants.

Throw away your Television but not your chilli plants. The word in the green house is that we don't need to grow our plants from seed every year. With a little TLC, a side order of bubble wrap and stiff pruning we can have home grown red hot chilli peppers in early summer.

Lets give it a shot.

first pics to follow.

**Actually he's kind of rude and angry so please be careful. But if you must, then go visit youtube.

Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.

2008-10-24T20:01:00.009Z

Compost is Nature's miracle. Our local council encourage composting and will provide a big black compost bin for about £15. As is the way with things, when something becomes ubiquitous, some witless fool tries to trivialise or present an anthropomorphic personification of the object, usually missing the point completely. This time the claim is that compost bins look a bit like Daleks.

It's a bit of a stretch so let me clear this up before it gets out of hand like the wheelie bins.

This is a Dalek.

It is bent on the destruction of the earth and Dr Who. They've been at it since the 50s.

This is a compost bin.
It provides an environment for the accelerated breakdown of organic matter into an odourless material resembling soil. It takes about a year. It is completely ambivalent towards Christopher Ecklestone, that camp yank or the Scottish bloke.

I should add that this is the remains of our first compost heap. The majority of the good stuff has been dug into the plot now.

Where do these people get their ideas? Do they qualify for a halfwit diploma if they say something really stupid once every couple of weeks. Is Boris Johnson their leader?

I hope that bubble stays blank for all our sakes.
Who wants to bet that I'll soon find some one selling compost bins with blue balls stuck to them and a head like a tank's gun turret that rotates in the wind. Sheesh! I think I'm ranting.

Can I dig it? Yes you can!

2008-10-24T19:38:00.006Z

We are double digging the top plot. I can't begin to tell you how boring this is. Still at least it was very hard work and look a really long time!

We had a massive harvest from the crops on this part of the plot (Tomatos, sweet corn and tomotillos) The ying to this particular yang is that the crops sucked the soil dry. By the end of September the soil was as hard as concrete and did not contain an ounce of organic matter.

Let me walk you through it.

Dig a trench and load the soil in front of you.
Clean out the trench and put that soil on top of the first lot.

Then break up the soil in the bottom of the trench and the add lots of organic matter in on top. Nettles, chopped up crops, old compost and newspaper it all goes in.

Then fill the hole by raking back the soil dug out ealier.

Oooh! Nice and tidy.

Repeat.

It's not as fun as it sounds. I'll confess that a trip to the Tesco fresh veg counter might be easier.

My butt it overfloweth.

2008-10-24T18:43:00.008Z

It's October and the long shadows cast over the plot around 4pm. The weather is still decent but things are changing.

You know how irritating it is when, for what ever reason, you have to spend even a few hours without running water. The chairman decided unilaterally and without notice that he would turn of the water at 10am last Saturday.

"There were frosts in Scotland last night" he said.

It was 26 degrees in Paris last night. What's his flipping point?

Harry politely disagreed saying that frosts were not due in October. Chairman said "Aaah well" in a way I imagine he thought conveyed some sage Jedi like understanding of the weather patterns of Western Europe that had some how escaped the Met Office and the Weather channel and shuffled off home.

"Yeah. Said Harry rolling his eyes. "I bet his water buts are full" and carried on digging. A quick investigation proved Harry correct. I can't tell you the langauge I used when I saw the chairman's water butts capped and so brimming with water that the ground beneath them was still damp from the over flow. I did scare birds from the trees and spooked a cat from the raspberry canes.

Our butts are full these two and another one is filling up from the shed roof gutter system. But that's not the point.

I am free from the petty tyrany of the small minded thanks to a bit of hose pipe and an old squash bottle.

It's a mark of my trusting nature that I half expected to be greeted by a frost on Sunday morning. I'm here to tell you that it was a lovely night, I spent a very large part of it drinking outside in the garden with some friends. We even had the hot tub on.

Never underestimate peoples ability to remind you how important they think they are.

Oi !

2008-10-24T18:37:00.002Z

Look at him. Just hanging out. Scratching.

Who Me?

Too slow tubby!

Timber!...... and tomatos

2008-09-27T07:48:00.006Z

Look at the devastation I have reeked on the plot this morning. Deforestation on this scale usually elicits a visit from Sting and other media hungry, enviro-mentalists.

Still look at all the tomatos that I have to process now. Some of these are ready to eat, some of these can go on the window sill and some will be made into sauce.

I'm looking for a suitable green tomato chutney recipe at the moment and I'll post my pictures later in the week.Tthere's nearly 20lbs of green tomatoes in the bag

I've got to dig all this over now and get it covered before we weeds invade agian.

You don't know jack (Frost)

2008-09-24T11:33:00.005Z

It getting chilly in the night time now and the first frosts will be here any day now. As a fisherman this means the start of the cod season in the South East. I've been scouring my fishing forums for news of cod from Essex as I know that the first frost will only be a few days behind them.

I've left the tomatoes until the last possible minute as the weather last week was excellent and I'm hoping to see some more red berries before it's time to bring down my tomato forest.

I've discovered a cracking tomato sauce recipe which I will be getting to grips with next week. Watch this space for cooking and preserving instructions.

The sweet corn jungle has been thinned and the remainder will soon be felled. I'm after a couple of sweetcorn relish recipes and I'll blanch and freeze the rest.

The sweet corn were a proper delight this year. I will miss the rustic pantry feel that they helped create in my fridge. I loved those carrot tops, beet leaves and sweetcorn all sticking out at jaunty angles. I wanted to get a glass fridge just to show them off.

pics to follow

I won't miss the dirt I have to clean out from the bottom of my fridge every week. My veg tastes far better, but blimey, Tesco's veg is much cleaner. I wonder if we can have a cleaning station at the allotment. Actually I might look into this. Now there's an insight into my stream of consciousness writing style.

No wait. Wait! I'm not finished.... D'Oh!

2008-09-24T11:17:00.006Z

That's it. It's over. Time called on the last planting of the year. There are a few crops that can still be planted but nothing that you'll see this year.

It is that time of year. With one hand you are picking the fruits of your labour and with the other hand you are sweeping away the debris of a spent crop. Keates’ season of mist and mellow fruitfulness is upon us, to be quickly followed by the season of frosts and spiteful chilliness.

I left my gas burner at home today. I like to improvise.

Last weekend I spent all my time covering our bottom plot with wood chip around the fruit bushes and plastic sheeting over the main growing area.

I also shifted a lot of horse muck. I love the smell of horse manure in the morning! Actually I really don't. More later.

Squash for Christmas? It will be a bit of a squeeze

2008-09-03T22:27:00.006Z

Butter nut squash. Hardcore veg. Amatures need not apply.

You've seen them in the supermarket. Hulking great gourds the colour of a caramac and has hard as tarmac. You've got to be a bit hardcore to buy them; they don't look very appetising and they surely are not very inspiring. In my experience I needed a sharp knife and steady nerve just to cut them open. Peeling them was like trying to peel a car tyre and having roasted them... Meh! They're OK, but sweet potatoes taste better and are not anything like as fussy.

Coryn is made of sterner stuff than I when it comes to the kitchen. She made some excellent butternut squash soup last Christmas and plans to reprise the dish with homegrown ingredients for 2008.

We're doing fine but there's not much growing season left. Weve got six growing well but we did have nine and we lost a big one last week to a some sort of rot caused by the wet weather and lack of sun shine. We might have to supplement the soup with a ringer or two from Tesco. Shhhh!

If you look closely you'll see that I've put some ceramic tiles underneat them. this is to help stop them rotting in the dirt.

Crop rotation featuring drums and guitars. "Roots Manuover" if you will.

2008-08-27T12:11:00.010Z

"Roots, Brassica and Other" these are the three sections by which the vegatable world is broken down in terms of growing.

Brassicas are cabbage type plants.(inc Cauliflower and Brocoli).

Roots are veg that grow underground (inc potato and carrots).

Others are anything that does not fit exactly into Roots or Brassica description.
Others would include Tomato, leek, onion, sweetcorn, squash, pea and lettuce.

Each section must to be rotated from year to year. You can't grow cabbage where cabbage grew the year before for fear of disease, the same goes for root veg. So in order to stop diseases and maintain soil balance we have to move around the three types of crop every year.

I have four sections to my allotment. What am I going to do with the foorth part? Roots Brassicas Other and.... Livestock? Sadly too many foxes (don't get me started). Roots, Brassicas Other and....fallow? That seems like a waste of land, besides in such a small area a bag of growmore organic fertilizer and some well directed horse muck will help the land recover better than a year left fallow.

So this year I'll be using the Michael Eavis appraoch he employs so well at Glastonbury. Roots, Brasica, other and rock festival.

The festival will probably just be me on a stool belting out classics on my acoustic guitar. If by classics your mean Love me tender, twikle twinkle little star and a painfully stilted version of Ode to Joy in C. Thanks to Jay (in yellow) for the Glasto photos.

I'd better go away and have a think about this.

What's orange and sounds like a parrrot?

2008-08-23T21:23:00.004Z

A carrot!

Best gag in the world. Best food in the world when grown correctly. Have you ever tried carrot juice from freshly picked carrots? It's excellent for hangover recovery.

We've done OK with them this year. Take a look.

In praise of "greens"

2008-08-23T21:21:00.003Z

OK they are not cool or exotic. You know I think its the lovely greenish blue haze they seem to give off.

These funny looking things are Itallian Black cabbage. Steam them on their own for five minutes, drain and then toss them in some olive oil and a tiny bit garlic and add half a finely chopped fried onion and tell me you don't like cabbage.

Custard is not as funny as butter.

2008-08-23T20:05:00.004Z

A quick trip through a classic pudding with no silly gags this time.

This was how our Rhubarb patch looked in June this year. It's kind of small but you should see it now. There's a rainforest expedition team training in the canopy this evening.

When the last of the year's rhubarb was ready to pick, I caught an uncharacteristic bout of nostalgia and I took a trip down Amnesia Lane. It's great to visit with an old friend.

Cut the Rhubarb into uniform sticks about as long as your thumb. John, if you are reading this, I don't mean your thumbs as yours are freakishly long.

Put the sticks into a baking Dish. If your dish is metal then line it with some foil for protection as the baking syrups will stain the dish.

Cover the sticks in two table spoons of unrefined sugar and enough water to just cover the bottom of the dish. Cook for 25 minutes in a medium oven until soft but still holding its shape.

Gently place all the rhubarb and syrup into bowls and pour over some freshly made custard. Grab a spoon and enjoy.

Corn on the cob. Done!

2008-08-23T19:20:00.006Z

Let's do this.

In the "corn jungle" at 4pm in allotment somewhere in Essex...

a little piece of magic has been happening.

This is the moment.

Dark brown tassels. I'm not talking soft furnishings or scatter cushions. My interest in tassels stops when there is no stainless steel pole involved. But not today.

If I could arrange the PRS I would have "Stay Gold" by Stevie Wonder playing at this moment.

Here it is.

The humble sweetcorn. Not frozen, not cut in half and sealed in a bag, but wrapped as nature intended; in some leaves and really annoying stringy bits. The idea is that you gently peel back a couple of leaves to reveal the corn. Give a kernel or two a squeeze. If a milky fluid escapes then pick it, you're good.

So as Gordon Ramsey would say.....

Kitchen? Yes?

Cut. Yes big boy? Excellent.

Boiled.

Knob. (Oh come on)

Done.

OK.

Now !~*# off out of my Kitchen.

A vague promise of mellow fruitfulness

2008-08-05T11:20:00.013Z

August. High Summer.

(insert joke and/or ironic laugh here)

So far we've done amazing things with the plot. When I think back to May and the sea of weeds we had to fight through just to get to the shed I'm astonished at what we have achieved.

Over the next couple of posts I will be looking at the some of the crops that we have on the plot and how they have progressed.

Here is a taste of things to come.

Not bad at all. The beetroot is a bit larger than you'd find in a store but even at that size it tastes great. That was one of the great discoveries for me this year. Beetroot which has not been pickled tastes really nice. Huh! Who knew?

I still hold the view that the first person that ever pickled beetroot had a cold when they opened the jar three months later. The freshly decanted pickled beetroot then paralysed his taste buds. Sadly, Everyone else then ate the pickled beetroot and just humoured the chap because they were really, really hungry. (Mmm! It's lovely. Nice! You used real vinegar and everything.)

In that instant pickled beetroot affected the human gene pool and ruined British cuisine for the next 700 years by destroying a nation's taste buds. It's the only rational explanation for how stores manage to shift so many units of pickled beetroot every year.

The French pickle the tender shoots of White Asparagus in white wine vinegar with a hint of fresh tarragon. We pickle beetroot in malt vinegar. What went wrong? How, in such a short trip across a body of water so small, can one idea be so horribly, horribly tortured?

The cauliflowers have been great this year. Beautiful creamy white, dense crowns with a great smell. Cauliflowers can be a bit hit and miss on a plot but all this warmth and rain has given us an excellent crop. This little beauty is about 10 inches across.

Even the "Gem" lettuce tastes distinct and has a flavour of it's own. Pretty good for a garnish. I can be cruel about lettuce sometimes.

Cute alert:

My Nephew Ben came to help out last weekend. He rode in Grandad's wheelbarrow and ate Nanny's raspberries. This is him with a particularly tricky chocolate digestive. Being two is coooool!

School holidays in sunny Essex

2008-07-24T09:49:00.004Z

First day of the school holidays and first break in of the year. Coincidence? I don't believe in them. Day one and they are already bored. Scheezh!

We learned that a padlock is only as strong as the thing is its screwed to, in this case 15 year old wood. Hmmm.

These feral kids need stopping. In these more genteel times children are protected by laws which mean that they can't be tortured or imprisoned against their will. (oh wait a minute, I think every one is protected by those laws) so we'll have to let the police deal with this one.

The kids climb over the fence to take a short cut through to the high street during the day. I guess they see all the sheds and think they must be full of valuable stuff. There is, but not things that are valuable outside of an allotment. There must be £60 worth of seeds in the shed. We'll have to get the anti climb paint out and paint the fence again. Hopefully that's all it will take and they won't pester us again.

Fortunately we did not lose anything important. It appears that they have only taken a gas burner which is inconvenient but it's replaceable. We should be grateful that they didn't use the thing to burn the place down.

I'm off to watch Commando (starring Arnold Swarchenegger) to practice making booby traps. Hahahaha!

Never red

2008-07-20T11:42:00.009Z

We need flowers on the allotment. I'm not a flower person but I understand the basics of pollination so we grow flowers too. Being a Tottenham Hotspur fan I have made an effort not to grow red flowers. It's complicated, and If you don't know this is not really the place to explain it. Think... Yankees v Mets or Yorkshire v Lancashire or England v France.

Here are some pictures of nature in all it's splendour which also happen to be in Spurs colours.

Sun flowers. If I had a favourite flower it would be these. Of course I don't have a favourite flower because I'm a bloke.

They are kind of pretty though.

Borrage. It's edible, in the same way that hay is edible. This is the chap you need to attract bees. They go nuts for this stuff. This is a big hairy beast of a plant that grows like a weed and has huge sprays of these blue flowers. Bees are attracted to the borrage and then they spot your fruit trees and bushes and the bees pollinate the fruit trees too. When it's finished growing cut it up and put on your compost heap. Borrage is your buddy.

Yep. That's an ant. Click on the picture to see it in full size and stare in awe at the Panasonic Lumix DMC FX12. Sorry! Mother Nature, I meant Mother Nature.

It's not a patio

2008-07-17T12:13:00.009Z

It became increasingly clear that we were going to need a proper working area at the allotment. Until now the work took place at Coryn and Harry's and was driven down to site. This is becoming increasingly tiresome and it's wrecking our cars. In addition it is becoming necessary to have a flat firm, dry, clean, area just to sit down and have a cup of tea from time to time.

Ladies and gentlemen directly in front of the spider zoo I give you "My flat, firm, dry, clean work area." Woo Yeah! It doesn't have flowers a washing line or a barbecue therefore it's not a patio. Really.

These are blueberry bushes not flowers. See, it's still not a patio.

It's not a swiming pool.

2008-07-17T11:56:00.006Z

The continuing saga of the greenhouse. Remember this wreck?

We've moved the greenhouse out of the way for a bit and in its place Harry has built some footings which will raise and support our fiendish Frankenstein greenhouse plan. Unfortunately, it does rather look like we've started making a swimming pool.

La.

Currently we have one green house which has no glass, no door and a very suspect window mechanism. My Uncle Paul is donating his greenhouse which currently has a door and glass and an operational window.

As the greenhouses are the same size, we are going to join the two greenhouses together and glaze the two with polycarbonate. The plan is to join the back of Paul's greenhouse to the front of mine and remove the cross members that only support glass. Then the front of Paul's greenhouse provides a working door. This will leave us a Crystal Palace style greenhouse still only six feet wide but now eighteen feet long and seven feet high.

What could possibly go wrong? I'll let you know how we get on.

Growing food you don't like

2008-06-24T21:29:00.010Z

The gardeners among us may have noticed that the food you don't like very much seems to perform the best.

Take runner beans. Please take all the runner beans you want. They're over there with the French beans which you can also keep. Our runner beans are in full flower and growing fast enough to give Dwain Chambers a run for his win bonus.

Are these beans getting special treatment? No.
Are these beans taking vitamin supplements and cold and flu remedies? No.
Do these beans have Linford Christie as a trainer? No.

My Borlotti beans are in the same trench and on the same frame and they are a shadow of the French and runner varieties.

It's the same with my Italian black cabbage. Nothing. Stoically refusing to grow.
On Sunday I saw a round head cabbage slap a pigeon that tried to peck at it. The cabbage is in rude health.

So has the bubble burst on my quest to grow more "fancy" vegetables? Will I have to make a trip to Borough Market every time I want to make home-made minestrone soup? Am I doomed to grow spuds and strawberries and runner beans?

HECK NO!

Say yes to wafty Italian cabbages;
embrace the shiny pink Borlotti bean;
pour over the Asparagus; and
play Mariarchi band music to Tomatillos. (What?) Never mind.

This is a marathon, not a sprint.

Perhaps a watched pot really does not boil.

Good things come to those who wait, but you can have runner beans now.

Fancy pants

2008-06-21T00:39:00.014Z

In many of my pictures of the allotment the keen eyed among you may have spotted the occasional flash of blue dotted throughout all the greens and browns.

La. This plot belongs to Vic.

I recently discovered that no food is blue. This is why kitchen staff wear blue sticking plasters for treating cuts. This is a troubling thought. I wonder how many band aids made it into our collective mushroom soups before someone worked this out. Blue plasters fall off into our food just as easily as flesh coloured ones, they are just easier to spot. Let us not dwell on this.

The blue flashes are improvised water butts. We have a rather neat arrangement with a local factory. They give the allotment association their spent 40 gallon barrels (which previously contained water-based glue) and save themselves a bundle on waste management fees. We save a bundle on 40 gallon water butts. Happy people everywhere.

To convert the barrels you take a hand saw and cut off the tops and let them fill with rain water for summer crop watering. Some people cut them in half and grow spuds in them.

Of course you can be fancy and with a little application you can have a counter top for growing crops. We've got four of these.

I take credit only for the idea. It will surprise none of you to know that the natty framework was built by Harry and painted by Coryn. After experimenting with an "X" frame which proved a little unsteady Harry decided that, whilst certainly elegant, the "X" frame needed too much safety engineering. These things are surprisingly heavy when full of wet dirt. The cradle design is far more suitable.

This year we have grown carrots and spring onions with surprising success. Once the carrots come out we will being planting salad crops in all the buckets.

From my point of view I am very happy to toil in the soil for broad beans and potatoes and the like, but I draw the line at scrabbling around in the dirt for the cousin of a dandelion no matter how tasty. So our salad crops will be easy to pick and comparatively clean. As organic as I am everything still needs a really good wash.
Here's one I made earlier. Left to right Rocket-Lettuce-Spinach. Bagged and washed and bought in a supermarket a bag of this stuff is about £1.50. There's enough for about 10 bags there and it grows back every week. Sorry Tesco, I now eschew your "lazy-boy" bags of salad leaves.

Nearly there

2008-06-19T11:22:00.012Z

We have finally bought this dog of an allotment kicking and (barking?) into line. It's been hard work and there is still plenty to do which will easily fill every one of my weekends between now and Christmas. Well it's nice to be busy.

Harry's digging frenzy has finally finished and Coryn's nursing of the fruit bushes means we might get some fruit this year after all.

Let me give you the tour:

Tomato, Tomatillos and Sweetcorn top left plot

Rhubarb and Squash top right boxes

Cabbages and cauliflowers top right

Peas beans and mange-tout Carrots Beetroot and Parsnips Bottom Left Plot

Nothing here yet. Bottom right plot. Will probably be potatoes and leeks and a few exotics that I have my eye on.

Greenhouse

Herb patch. It looks a bit tatty at present. It's had some heavy traffic over the last few days and it's about to get tattier. More later.

fruit bushes, future plot for Bulb fennel and Water butts

Spider zoo.

Compost heaps. We'll get to the bottom of these bad boys in a few weeks.

The long dark tea-time of the fox

2008-06-06T16:46:00.015Z

Some time ago I blocked up the holes that a fox dug under the shed. Surpriingly, he did not decide to dig new holes to his under-shed hideaway. Instead my actions have forced the problem somewhere else and there have been some innocent casualties. The fox's new home is under the wire "compost" heap.
Sadly during his excavations he destroyed my rocket crop. This leaves me with a moral and maybe even legal dilema.

Here is my problem.

My considered reaction is to shrug my shoulders and say: We're all god's creatures. The fox was here first. What right do I have to destroy his home? Blah blah, delicate balance of nature, Blah Blah hug a tree, blah blah save a whale, blah blah. Does more good than harm. Blah Blah How would I like it...

What if this fox is keeping other more daminging pests at bay? What if he is keeping more foxes from coming into the site? I might look back on these first few relatively fox free weeks as a golden age. "Do you remember when all this wasn't foxes?" I might ask.

The darker part of me says: What kills foxes? Where can I buy some?

If a fox can casually destroy my rocket crop, what could he do if he really put his mind to it? The fox took exception to me blocking his entrance to his old home. The following morning I was treated to some decidedly pungent "calling cards" that, in my opinion, were suspicious in the accuracy of their placement. OK, they were not in a paper bag that was on fire, but they might as well have been. I'm not sure I want to be on the recieving end of a more hostile response.

OK killing is generally considered to be wrong. I take that on board. I can grow more rocket. I can be accomodating and live with my fox, embarce our diffences and learn to live with him.

It's not like I can call the local fox hounds to hunt him down. They are ex-directory.

The Sunshine Home for fruit bushes.

2008-06-01T22:58:00.005Z

Coryn set up the Sunshine Home for delinquent fruit bushes. We have lots of self sown and out of control fruit bushes growing among the three feet high grasses, poppy fields and award winning thistles. Many of the bushes have been identified, assessed, weeded, pruned tied, staked and smartened up.

Good Gooseberry

Raspberry rehabilitation centre

I later explained to the bushes that this is a stay of execution only and they can either fruit up or ship out. I assured them that I can always build more compost heaps.

The Loganberry and Teyberry bushes are the other side of the greenhouse and we have not reached those yet. However, they have seen what has happened to the others and know they are next on the list. I shouldn't be surprised if they prune themselves this week.

Bad Teyberry.

This Loganberry need a jolly good talking to.

It's a very wet heat

2008-06-01T22:25:00.008Z

The wet, sticky weather midweek hampered digging efforts although Harry was able to get down one night and dig out the string of rhubarb that had taken a beating from wheel barrows and general foot traffic.

Some was transplanted, and he kindly donated the remainder to our neighbours. Good thing too. I suspect we would have been overrun with the stuff next year as there were a good deal more (roots/tubas/bulbs*) under ground than (sticks/stems/fronds*) above ground.

*delete as applicable.

I fear that some over enthusiastic hacking at what I genuinely believed to be Doc Leaves may have contributed to Harry's surprise at finding so many rhubarb roots. Whoops!

Despite the humidity and no noticeable breeze Harry continued his digging frenzy. His sterling efforts have meant that we have passed the magical three quarters of the digging finished mark.

I continued to clear out the area between shed and green house and built frames for the Sweet peas. Sweet peas are not peas and are not sweet. Huh!

We are at the half way stage! Woo Hoo! Yeah!

2008-05-25T21:53:00.002Z

These two beds are about 25 feet wide and nearly 40 feet long. I have room for two more beds within my allotment that have yet to be cleared and dug. The next plots will be just a little shorter. I'll dig these during June. First I have to find something to extinguish my shoulders as, at the time of writing, they feel as if they are on fire!

The herb patch has taken shape. I moved a "Hippo Bag" full of rubbish out from this corner. I built another compost heap. Then I dug out all of the grass and weeds and moved in the perennial herbs. I'll sow the remaining seeds on Monday and plant the herbs that are currently in pots.

Enough! Bed!

Sisyphus digging

2008-05-25T10:52:00.012Z

I feel like that poor fella that had to push a giant boulder up a mountain everyday. Still, it could have been worse, I could have been chained to that same boulder and had birds peck out my liver everyday. Some times you have to have a positive mental attitude. Prometheus would have given his right arm for the boulder pushing gig. Even though that would have made it very difficult indeed.

Instructions for digging like a machine all day:

Prepare yourself mentally.
Set up an ipod playlist with songs that make you happy.
Find your spade.
Find your sun cream.
Find your Dad. (He's helping)
Make sure you have plenty of fluids to drink.
Dig for a while. Stop. Drink. Repeat.

Digging with me today were:

The Libertines - Up the bracket
Elvis Costello - Armed Forces
Jackson Browne - Live Acoustic Vol1
Rolling Stones - Exile on Main Street

Whilst digging and singing along. I'll admit to the occasional "spade guitar" riff ( Oh come on, you would too.) I made mental plans for the herb patch, the greenhouse and a lasting peace in the Middle East. I'm joking. That greenhouse has still got me scratching my head.

I also invented snail baseball (home run derby version) and slug skating. Hey, I was bound to go a little bit nuts!

Pictures on next blog.

What's the difference between a good farmer and a bad farmer? About a week.

2008-05-20T11:37:00.001Z

I'm looking around at other allotments already lush and green and rebounding from the ghastly weather that kept many from their plots in the early weeks of Spring 2008. I feel like the new kid at school. I think I'll never catch up or be like the other kids who know how everything works.

To torture an innocent metaphor further... The problem is I've started too late in the term. I have nothing prepared other than what my Mum and Dad have kindly donated to fill the vast gaps in my soil (and knowledge). I've done plenty of reading during the holidays but I've done no prep and my course work is not started.

Example:I have to plant my winter veg now. I thought winter veg grew in the winter. Kind of make sense. Right?

Nope. Winter veg do all their real growing in summer in order to survive the winter. Genius! That's nothing like the name suggests.

I was also disappointed to discover that mincemeat contains no meat and is not even minced! Please let's not get me started on Welsh rarebit.

Obviously this one has been skinned and boned. You can get your butcher to do it for you if you're a bit squeamish!

The big dig continues...

Plant something, or spend your life hoeing dirt.

2008-05-19T11:53:00.001Z

It's alive! Alive! Aaaaaaa Hahahahahahah!

Three blogs in and finally I have something planted. I decided that if I just dug over the site and did not at least plant something as I go, then I would spend all my time hoeing dirt. Where's the fun in that?

Four lines of rocket leaves
45 Swiss chard seedlings (colourful cabbage-like leaves that crop nearly year round)
18 Tomato plants (different types) Planted with flowers to attract Hover flies. Hover flies feed on the bugs that are attracted to the tomatoes. Genius!
One of the compost heaps is being used for butternut squash and courgettes/zuccini.

Cry God for Harry England and St George!

One half of my allotment guru team. My Dad Harry. He knows when to dig, and when to go home.

People point and laugh at my greenhouse. I sometimes join in.

After me. Raise your hand in the direction of the green house. Extend your index finger. Chuckle. Go on, get it off your chest.

I don't know Dad, it could be a triffid. What does Allen Titchmarsh have to say?

Allen says it's a Poppy. Oh well.

Saturday morning spider club

2008-05-19T11:37:00.001Z

I spent this morning pottering around. After spending time digging after work during the week I thought I'd concentrate on a job that requires less brute strength. So I cleaned out the shed.

I was alarmed to see the vast array of spiders running in terror from my trusty broom. I won't lie, there were casualties. This one caused just a medium level freak out, so I let him live. This bad boy is about an inch across and then it has legs attached. Gghrrhrr Nasty!

Throughly cleaned and largely spider free, for now, I installed the key items that make a shed usable.

Gas Burner (not shown)
Kettle
Tea
Milk
Sugar

All sealed in spider proof tubs. I'm good to go!

It is suposed that the British Army are able to survive longer and travel further than any other army in the world because of their inate ability to make hot water for tea anywhere in the world. It's a British thing. It's very comforting.

Progress picture:The big dig continues....

In the beginning there was nothing...

2008-05-16T12:14:00.002Z

and then God said Let there be WEEDS!

I've finally inherited a plot of land. I assume that the land is under all these weeds.

I'm not kidding, and this isn't funny. This fine plot has been sitting untouched since November 2007 last year, and the very minute the grass and weeds reached three feet high the Allotment Association asked me if I wanted it.

There are some up sides. My Allotment is huge. It has an ample shed and a green house and three compost heaps. So far this is what I have discovered.

The shed is appears to be some type of spider farm and I have sieves at home that are more watertight.

A bug bomb or two and a the liberal application of roofing felt is needed before I can even call this a shelter. We're a long way from shed.

I have at least one fox that visits under the floors of the shed which has seriously (and in this case literally) undermined the floor structure of the south facing side of the shed. This could be problematic. Foxes are timid, flighty creatures but I imagine that destroying their home will make them a bit less timid and a bit more bitey. I'll keep you updated on my progress with this challenge.

The green house has no door and no glass at all. The previous owner decided against flooring the greenhouse so now the grass that covers the floor is nearly three feet high. Compared to the Shed the greenhouse is a simple problem:

A bit of time.
A bit of money.
Quite a bit of glass.
A bit of building a new aluminium sliding door.

What could possibly go wrong?

Compost heap you say? That's not a compost heap. That's a rubbish heap that looks like it might once have had dreams of being compost heap. If I dig that lot back into my soil the environmental health people will be all over me like a bad rash. Which, indecently, is exactly what I'll get if I keep touching the wretched compost heap. I suspect that this problem can only truly be solved with a dark night and some matches!

So for now I keep digging. I'll break it up in to manageable chunks the way all human beings faced with a daunting task are want to do. I'll keep my back to the vast expanse of low-level rainforest. Hopefully I won't become lunch for the unknown horrors lurking in the weeds and by the end of this weekend I'll have the first third done. Then I'll break it up again....