In the beginning there was nothing...

and then God said Let there be WEEDS!

I've finally inherited a plot of land. I assume that the land is under all these weeds.

I'm not kidding, and this isn't funny. This fine plot has been sitting untouched since November 2007 last year, and the very minute the grass and weeds reached three feet high the Allotment Association asked me if I wanted it.

There are some up sides. My Allotment is huge. It has an ample shed and a green house and three compost heaps. So far this is what I have discovered.

The shed is appears to be some type of spider farm and I have sieves at home that are more watertight.

A bug bomb or two and a the liberal application of roofing felt is needed before I can even call this a shelter. We're a long way from shed.

I have at least one fox that visits under the floors of the shed which has seriously (and in this case literally) undermined the floor structure of the south facing side of the shed. This could be problematic. Foxes are timid, flighty creatures but I imagine that destroying their home will make them a bit less timid and a bit more bitey. I'll keep you updated on my progress with this challenge.

The green house has no door and no glass at all. The previous owner decided against flooring the greenhouse so now the grass that covers the floor is nearly three feet high. Compared to the Shed the greenhouse is a simple problem:

• A bit of time.
• A bit of money.
• Quite a bit of glass.
• A bit of building a new aluminium sliding door.

What could possibly go wrong?

Compost heap you say? That's not a compost heap. That's a rubbish heap that looks like it might once have had dreams of being compost heap. If I dig that lot back into my soil the environmental health people will be all over me like a bad rash. Which, indecently, is exactly what I'll get if I keep touching the wretched compost heap. I suspect that this problem can only truly be solved with a dark night and some matches!

So for now I keep digging. I'll break it up in to manageable chunks the way all human beings faced with a daunting task are want to do. I'll keep my back to the vast expanse of low-level rainforest. Hopefully I won't become lunch for the unknown horrors lurking in the weeds and by the end of this weekend I'll have the first third done. Then I'll break it up again....